my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
