I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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