What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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