I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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