This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
