Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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