so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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