my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
