I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
