My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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