K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
