the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
