Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
