In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
