I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I am available for nakedness
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
