The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
