I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
