I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
