So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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