He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
