this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
