wanna go halves on a baby?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
