He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
