I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
