Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
