I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
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There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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