Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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