what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you win again, gameday.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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