We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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