He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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