I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
