You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
