dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
