While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
