It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
