There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
