so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
