Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
