nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
