she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
