i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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