He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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