When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
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i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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