If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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