My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
