he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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