I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im having a threesome with these popsicles
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
