I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
