dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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