i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
how drunk are you?
Several
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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