Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You were trust falling into bushes
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
