I just threw up on my dentist
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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