what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
