dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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