Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm sobbing to NWA
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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