Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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