Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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