Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't want my vagina anymore.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
