so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
